


Ode to Destruction

by MiriamMT



Series: Gallavich OneShots (no smut) [57]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Break Up, Hurt Ian Gallagher, Hurt Mickey Milkovich, Ian Gallagher Loves Mickey Milkovich, Ian Gallagher Misses Mickey Milkovich, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Soldier Ian Gallagher, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:28:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25376929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiriamMT/pseuds/MiriamMT
Summary: Ian and Mickey are together for 6 years, Ian is at west point and wants to start basic training soon, but Mickey dreams of a life with a husband and kids, a life in which his husband isn't on the battlefield all the time. So, Mickey breaks up with him so they can both follow their dreams - until Ian notices that Mickey has always been his dream, not the Army - but is to late then?
Relationships: Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich, Mickey Milkovich/Original Male Character(s)
Series: Gallavich OneShots (no smut) [57]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1525730
Comments: 5
Kudos: 86





	Ode to Destruction

**Author's Note:**

> I have no real knowledge about the US Army. I had to change a few things in this that goes away from my initial idea bc I googled a bit and found out that a few things didn't make sense. I hope it's all factually correct now, teh only thing i didn't check at all is the whole for how long are you at west point and what are you doing afterwards thing. I just hope that none of you have too detailed knowledge about it either 
> 
> The Title comes from a Song by Frank Iero "Ode to Destruction"

_I've thought enough for both of us but I barely said a word_   
_I been back and forth a thousand times hoping not to lose_   
_And I know I should take it slow_   
_But I've never followed suit_   
_And this ache you gave it dies with me_   
_So this time I'm finally through_   
_But I wish it wasn't true_

Ian and Mickey were together for a while now, they were living together in a cheap apartment. Mickey had a job as a bouncer, even though he was pretty small, he was very intimidating. Ian wanted to join the army.

Ian had always wanted to join the army and Mickey always had mixed feeling about it... then he had started hating the thought, resenting it. He didn't want Ian to go to the military, to leave him alone all the time just to eventually die on a battlefield far, far away from him.

Ian had said so many times, that they could have a great life together even if he would go to the army... at least when he was home in between tours. But Mickey was afraid. He couldn't stop his head from conjuring up pictures of Ian being wounded and dying. Mickey would become a war widower after spending most of his marriage apart from his husband anyways, because he preferred walking through a desert with a rifle.

Overall marriage with Ian seemed to be just another pointless Dream of Mickey's. He wanted to be married to the Gallagher, hell, he even wanted a family with him. He wanted security in their relationship. He wanted to wake up, knowing that Ian would be there and wouldn't leave him.

But apparently, he asked for too much.

They had been together for five years already when Mickey finally asked him to give up the army dream. Ian had worked hard in school to be able to attend West Point. He needed to go there to become an officer later on.

And then Mickey had the nerve to say, "Ian, please don't join the army."   
Ian had been stunned by that sentence. They then hadn't talked for a day until they had started fighting about it.

Mickey had expressed his concerns, that they would never be able to have a real partnership, be a real family if Ian was away all the time. Mickey wouldn't be able to survive this life of an army-wife. He wouldn't be able to take the fear and the panic whenever the phone would ring, he wouldn't be able to take being alone, just waiting for him to come back or for the people who would tell him he wouldn't come back.

And of course, Ian had listened. He even understood Mickey's fear and he didn't want him to be afraid. But the army was his dream, it always has been, and Mickey was just overreacting. He was spiralling the whole time, his head filled with "what if" and horrible scenes from movies. Ian had tried to calm him down, but to no avail.

Mickey had talked about getting married to him all the time during his rants and at some point, Ian had said "Who even says we're getting married? I can't make you an army-husband and widower if we're not even getting married, I never said I want to get married!"

Ian remembered this moment clearly. It had been the moment, the sentence, which had changed everything. He could still see it in front of him - how Mickey had just stared at him, how then he had looked away and Ian had seen, how Mickey's dreams all shattered between them, Ian was still sure, that Mickey had started crying while turning away from him and leaving the apartment.

Of course, Mickey had come back the next day, but since then he had never mentioned marriage or the army again.

He had changed completely, he had talked less, he had stopped telling Ian everything about his day and what was going on in his mind. He slept further away from him at night, he forced a smile when Ian came home, they had less sex, less kisses. Mickey was almost never in the mood to be touched by Ian, no matter if sexually or romantically. No matter what Ian did or how many times he tried talking about it again, all Mickey said by now was "It's all right", and with that blocked any further discussion.

Ian couldn't take it anymore, now. So, he decided to fulfil Mickey's wish. It's not like Ian didn't want to get married to Mickey specifically, or that he didn't want to get married to him at all. But he just wasn't sure if he was ready for it yet. But Mickey was. So, Ian bought an engagement ring.

He came home and found Mickey lying on the couch. He was just staring at the ceiling, the TV wasn't even on.

"Mickey?", Ian asked. Mickey looked up and there it was - the forced smile. So obviously fake that it almost physically hurt Ian to see it, "What are you doing?"   
Mickey shrugged and sat up, "Just thinking."

Ian smiled at him, "Okay, could you get up, we need to talk about something important."   
Mickey frowned at him, "Yeah, we need to", he mumbled while getting up from the couch.   
Ian ignored his comment and pecked his lips, he smiled at him and this time Mickey didn't even bother with the fake smile, which probably should have been a warning signal to Ian, but he had made up his mind about it, so he would also follow-through.

He kneeled down in front of Mickey, who looked down at him surprised. Ian smiled and got the ring out of his pocket.

"Mickey, I know we had kinda a rough patch the last weeks, but believe me when I say, I love you more than anything in the world and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So, Mickey Milkovich, will you marry me?"

Mickey looked down at him, his mouth slightly opened, he closed it and swallowed hard. He just looked at him sadly and took the ring from him, Ian was still waiting for him to just say "Yes" and then they could be okay again.

But instead, Mickey slowly shook his head, went back to the couch, put the ring on the coffee table and sat down again.

Ian watched the scene in front of him in shock. Mickey put his elbows on his knees and put his head into his hands. Ian got up and came over to the couch as well.

"But... I don't understand... I thought you wanted this, Mick. You've been talking about marriage for years.", Ian sat down next to him and Mickey looked at him.

"Ian, we have to break up."

Ian stared at him shocked. Sure, their relationship wasn't exactly unicorns and rainbows the last months, but a breakup? Mickey wanted to break up with him? The man who had done so much for Ian to make sure they could be a couple, the man who had spent years talking and wishing for them to get married wanted to break up with him?

"No", Ian said, a new feeling was suddenly creeping up in him, something he had never felt before - he was seriously fearing for their relationship. Maybe he should have feared for their relationship the last weeks already. Maybe he should have forced Mickey to talk to him instead of letting him block the conversation. The whole time he had thought, they'd somehow get through this, somehow, they had to make it, they always did, right?

Ian took Mickey's hand, "Mick, come on, you can't just break up. I love you. I just fucking proposed to you in case you didn't notice"   
"I noticed.", Mickey looked him in the eyes, "But it isn't gonna work. It's been six years, Ian, and we still want fundamentally different things out of life. You want to go to the army, have a life full of adventure and be a hero. I don't want to be with someone who leaves me alone for months all the time. I'm not made for that kind of relationship, Ian, I don't want it."

Ian sighed and let go of his hand, "So, you're giving me an ultimatum? Is that it? Military or me, that's what you saying?"

Mickey shook his head, "That's exactly what I'm not doing. You want to go to the military more than anything else. I already asked you to step back from that dream for me, you don't want to, and I have to live with that. But I don't want to step back from my dreams either, okay? So, we have to break up, because... only this way you can have your dream about the military, and I can have mine."

Ian looked at him desperately, he didn't want to lose this man, he could never find someone like him again, he knew that.   
"Mickey, I can give you your dreams, see I proposed to you. You always said you wanted us to get married"   
"And that's exactly the point Ian", Mickey said and looked at the ceiling, he took a deep breath and then looked at the ring in front of him, "Why did you propose to me today?"

"Because I want to marry you."   
"And do you want that because you want to be married to me, or because I want you to want to be married to me?"   
Ian looked at him confused, "What's the difference?"

Mickey looked at him again with a sad, but final expression, "Alone that you don't know the difference is the problem.", he put his hand on Ian's cheek and there was a small, but real smile on his lips when he said, "I love you so much, Ian. I really do. But because I love you, I'm leaving. Because you want the army and I can't make you choose, I don't want to set an ultimatum, I want you to go fulfil your dream. You worked pretty fucking hard for it. But I love myself, well, at least I deem myself important enough to not give up my wishes either."

This time it was Ian who started crying. He started crying because from the way Mickey looked at him, how he gave him a real smile for the first time in months, he knew he had fucked up. This was it, this was the end and he could beg and plead how he wanted, Mickey wouldn't change his mind.

Ian tried though, he begged him to stay all the way from Mickey getting up, getting to the bedroom to putting his stuff into a duffle bag. He went to his knees and swore his love up and down, he promised, he would do anything. But Mickey took all of his clothes, his hairbrush and his toothbrush, his shampoo - he was so quick, as if he would have already packed his things a dozen times in an attempt to leave him.

Ian leaned against the apartment door and blocked the way while Mickey put his shoes on.   
"Ian, you have to let me go", Mickey said softly.   
"No", he shook his head, "You can't just decide this for us like this. You can't just decide that it's better this way!"

"But it is, Ian.", he went up to him and took both his hands in his, "Look me in the eye and tell me honestly, that you would just drop the army, drop all your dreams and wishes regarding it just so I stay, tell me you would marry me now and not hate me in the future. Tell me, you wouldn't look back at some point and would hate me for making you quit the army."

Ian couldn't hold his gaze, he lowered his eyes and sobbed.   
Mickey nodded, "And that's why I won't make you do that. If we stay together, no matter with which arrangement, it wouldn't be fair for either of us. You can't give me what I want, and I don't want what you can give."

Ian looked up at him again, he knew he was defeated. He had to let this man, who was undoubtedly the love of his life, go. Their relationship lay in front of them in pieces and he couldn't just super-glue them together. He had lost Mickey long before this day and it was too late to get him back now.

"I could never hate you", Ian mumbled.   
Mickey stepped closer and put his hand on the back of his neck, "Because I'm not giving you the chance to."

Mickey leaned in to kiss him.   
It was a last "Goodbye", it was like he sealed the end of their relationship with this kiss.

Mickey pulled him against him gently, so he wasn't leaning against the door anymore, and before Ian could catch his breath again, Mickey was out the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_As the distance grows, it's like I always feared_   
_I never gave enough and I never wanted to_   
_But still I think of you_   
_Would you waste some time on me?_   
_Am I a waste of time?_

3 **years later**

Ian had spent the last years going to bed alone. Like tonight again. He had moved back in with his family because he couldn't pay for the apartment on his own, and he hated coming to an empty home. He had finished basic training, he was a full member of the army now. He had finished his first tour already, luckily it passed without leaving a major trauma.

Ever since Mickey had left him, he was alone. He had tried dating again a few times, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't just replace Mickey.

Ever since Mickey left, his head was filled with "what if" - which was almost ironic, given how often Mickey had said "what if" regarding the army and Ian had always played his concerns down.

"What if you don't come back" "what If you get injured" "what if you get traumatised" "what if you get injured and forget about me" "what if you die"

And now Ian lay awake at night for 3 years thinking "what if I had made him stay" "what if I would have quit the army" "what if I wouldn't have said I didn't want to get married to him"

He wondered where Mickey was, how he was doing. He wondered if he had replaced him, if Mickey found someone who could fulfil his wishes.

He wished Mickey all the best, he wanted him to be happy and to get what he wanted - but at the same time, Ian couldn't take the thought of Mickey becoming someone else's husband. He couldn't take the thought of Mickey having that future, which he had always talked about, with someone else.

He looked at the ceiling of his small bedroom in the Gallagher house.   
He heard his nephew crying through the house waiting for Lip to come and shush him again. He heard Carl yell from his room "Shut up!"

He had lost Mickey... for this?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ian walked down the streets in a nice area of Chicago. He had just visited an Army colleague, who just had a baby, and was on his way home.

He rounded a corner and saw a woman standing in front of a small flower shop. She seemed so familiar, Ian had to come closer and take a better look. The woman looked up and looked at him, both raised their eyebrows in surprise.

It was Mandy, Mickeys sister. He hadn't seen her in ages, she had moved out of the city years ago.

"Mandy?", he started grinning.   
"Ian, hey", she said, but she seemed a bit awkward. Ian went in to hug her, Mandy hugged back, but quickly pulled back from it again.

"Wow, what are you doing here? I didn't know you came back"   
"Oh, no I didn't come back. I'm just visiting... you know... Mick."

Ian swallowed hard and lowered his eyes, "So... how... how is he?"   
"Good", Mandy said quickly, clearly uncomfortable. They hadn't talked since Mickey had left Ian.

"Is he happy?", Ian looked at her again.   
Mandy nodded, "Yes."   
"Oh... that's good."   
Mandy nodded again.

"Well, would you tell him I said hi"   
Mandy hesitated, "Sure"   
"And... that I miss him?"   
Mandy sighed, she looked at the flower shop and then back at Ian, "I don't think that's a good idea, Ian. He has other things in his mind right now."

Ian understood. He nodded slowly and exhaled a shaky breath.   
"He's got a new boyfriend, doesn't he?"   
Mandy bit her bottom lip and nodded.

The door to the flower shop opened and a man came out. Ian was surprised when he came to a halt next to Mandy, "Mickey's gonna love those flowers, they match his eyes perfectly, it's even worth paying the extra fee for blue flowers"

Mandy nodded and smiled at the man. He was tall and had dark, short hair. He had a slim body, broad shoulders, and a nice smile.

Ian stared at the man... was he... the replacement?

The man now noticed Ian.   
Mandy cleared her throat, "Ryan, this is Ian, he's an old friend from high school. Ian, this is Ryan, uhm, Mickey's boyfriend"

"Oh, wow", Ian whispered and looked at the man, who grinned at him with his perfect teeth.   
"Fiancé actually, don't forget that Mandy, I spent a lot of money on that ring for him to be called that", he said and shook Ian's hand.

"Fiancé", Ian repeated it perplexed, Mandy looked at him, biting her bottom lip hard.   
"Yes. We're gonna get married in three weeks, we're just planning the last details, it's gonna be perfect."   
"Three weeks"

Ryan's phone started ringing to the melody of a love song.   
"Oh, I have to take that. My man's calling", he grinned and got his phone out.  
"Your man"

Ryan turned away from them while accepting the call "Hey Babe, I just got the perfect flowers for us, yes of course stargazers lilies, but guess the colour"

Ian's guts scrunched up inside of him. His heart ached so much, that he thought he had a stroke. He had to take a step back, he couldn't breathe for a moment. Fiancé. His man. Ian felt like he was about to vomit.

Mandy grabbed both his arms and dragged him away to a bench.

"Ian, calm down", Mandy whispered.   
"I think I'm gonna be sick", he mumbled and sat down on the bench, he ran his hands through his hair.

"It should be me", he said and looked up at her, tears were forming in his eyes, "He should be marrying me"

Mandy sighed and put a hand on his shoulder, "Ian, Mickey is happy with Ryan."   
"He's supposed to be my man, not someone else's."   
"Ryan is good for Mickey. He's a great guy and Mickey loves him. Isn't the most important thing that Mickey is happy?"

"Why couldn't he just be happy with me?", Ian whispered, a tear escaped from his eyes now.

"You know why"   
Ian sobbed and rubbed the tears away, "Fucking army. So, what does this joker do? Does he have a nice 9 to 5 job? He looks like he got money."

"He's a lawyer."   
"A lawyer? Mickey got himself a lawyer as husband?"   
Mandy nodded, "Mickey works in security for his building, then Ryan did our cousin Sandy pro bono."   
"And then he did Mickey."

Mandy sighed, "No, he asked him on a date like a gentleman. He didn't fuck him under high school bleachers or got him shot."   
"I'm not gonna apologise for our youth. It's who we are. Me and him."   
"It was your youth. But this is adulthood. Teenage Mickey did anything you wanted from him. Adult Mickey broke up with you because he realised you couldn't give him what he wanted. Now, he found someone who can. So...", she sighed again, "No matter if you still love him or whatever, let him alone. Let him get married and have a nice life, okay?"

Mandy kissed his forehead and then left him sitting on the bench. She went back to Ryan and left down the street with him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey woke up in a big warm bed to the smell of fresh coffee and the feeling of lips on his forehead.

Mickey opened his eyes slowly, Ryan had kept the curtains closed for him.   
"Good morning, love", Ryan whispered, "I have to go to work. You've got the afternoon shift, right?"   
"Think so", Mickey mumbled.   
"Wanna meet for lunch then?"   
Mickey smiled and nodded.

Ryan leaned down and kissed him, Mickey ran his hands through his thick dark hair, "Can't you stay five more minutes?"   
"I need to go to work, Mick."   
"You're the boss, who cares if you're running a few minutes late?"   
"I'm not the boss, and my assistant is gonna have my ass if I'm not punctual."   
"Tell her, if she's mean I'm gonna seat her next to your boring old colleagues at the wedding instead of next to my cousin."   
Ryan smirked and kissed him again, "I really have to go, see you at lunch"

When Ryan left the room, Mickey sunk back into the bed. Ryan wasn't super rich. He just finished law school two years ago and worked in a law firm which mainly took cases for rich kids car crashes, they made sure the rich stayed rich and the scandals were kept to a minimum.

Mickey started working as security in the building with Ryan's law firm shortly after breaking things off with Ian. He had seen Ryan all the time, but never really noticed him, until his cousin stormed into the building one day and begged Mickey to ask one of the lawyers to take her case pro bono. Ryan overheard them and said, he would take Sandy's case and if he won, Mickey would have to go on a date with him. Ryan won, Sandy walked free and Mickey went on a date with him. That was about a year after the breakup.

He and Ryan started a relationship and it really looked like Ryan was the right one. He was his future. Of course, sometimes he was still thinking about Ian, he had been with the man for six years, he had thought Ian would be his future, his husband, for the longest time. But now Ian was history, Ryan was his present and his future.

Ryan had proposed half a year ago. Mickey had said yes immediately, but since then he had to think about Ian a few times too often again. He wanted Ryan, he loved Ryan. But he wondered what Ian was doing. Mickey was about to get his wish and his dreams, he wondered if Ian joined the army, if he was okay.

Mickey got out of bed when he heard the cleaning lady. As mentioned, Ryan wasn't rich, he didn't belong to the 10 wealthiest men in Chicago, they didn't live in a mansion. But it was enough for a nice apartment and a cleaning lady. Ryan always said, after the honeymoon they could start looking for a house with a yard and three nurseries.

Mickey got dressed and met the cleaning lady, Blanca, downstairs.   
"Morning Blanca."   
"Morning Mr Milkovich"   
"Do you want to eat breakfast with me?"   
Blanca smiled at him, "Every time you ask me, I say I must not. I'm here to clean the apartment not to eat Mr Willows food."   
"Yeah, but it's weird having someone working for me while I just... eat.", Mickey really didn't like that. He didn't want to clean the apartment by himself either but growing up in poverty and calling a hot meal in the evening "luxury" this felt weird.

"Go eat your breakfast, Mr Milkovich, I will be alright, I had breakfast with my children this morning."   
"How are your children?", Mickey liked hearing Blanca talk about her kids. He wanted to talk about his own kids soon, he wanted to brag about their accomplishments.   
"Great, little angels. Well, my youngest got into a fist fight with aother boy, but that boy pulled on a girl's skirt, so I say, it's okay."

Mickey chuckled. The doorbell rang and Blanca went to open the door, while Mickey went to the kitchen to get some breakfast.

"Mr Milkovich, there is a man to see you", Blanca said a minute later.   
"Who?", Mickey asked confused, "Is he old and tall and looks like he is about to kill me?"   
"No, he said he is a cousin"   
"Then let him in", Mickey shrugged, he had a lot of cousins, it was hard to keep track of all of them.

The man who entered the kitchen, however, wasn't his cousin. It was Ian. When Mickey saw him, he accidently dropped the mug in his hands. It shattered on the ground and Blanca came back into the kitchen immediately.

"It's alright, Balance, sorry, I'll clean that up."   
Blanca looked from him to Ian and then nodded and left again.

"Hi, Mick", Ian said.   
"What do you want here? How did you even find me?"   
Ian bit his bottom lip and shrugged, "I met Mandy and your fiancé in front of a flower shop two days ago, I went in and got a look at his last name, then it was pretty easy. I googled where a lawyer called Ryan Willows worked, he's the only lawyer with that name in Chicago, then I called his office, said I was with the military and got his assistant to tell me his address."

Mickey made a mental note to definitely seat the assistant next to people she despised at the wedding.   
"Isn't that abuse of power?"   
Ian shrugged, "I had to see you."

Mickey shook his head and turned away from him to find something he could use to clean the shards from the floor.

"So, you're gonna marry a lawyer, huh?"   
"Yes, I will, in two and a half weeks."   
Ian nodded, "Nice apartment... with a maid."

Mickey looked at him, "I'm not marrying him because of the money, Ian, if that's what you're getting at."   
"No, you marry him because he will be home by five o'clock."   
"You obviously have no idea about the working hours of a lawyer.   
"No, I don't.", Ian mumbled while he watched Mickey cleaning up the remains of the cup and the coffee which spilled on the ground.

"So, why do you?"   
"Why do I what?"   
"Marry him."   
Mickey looked up at him with raised eyebrows, "Because I love him, maybe?"

"You loved me, you didn't marry me."   
Mickey scoffed, "Yeah, but whose fault was that?", he got up from the ground again, "I wanted to marry you, you didn't."   
"I proposed!"   
"You proposed because you thought you could rescue our relationship with it and not because you wanted to be married to me, Ian! Fucking shit, why are you here? I broke up with you so you can have your career without interference and now I would like to get married to a guy who actually wants to be married to me!"

Ian walked over to him and grabbed his arms and made him look him in the eyes, "I want to marry you now. Mickey, come on, we both know, it should be me who you get married to. I should be your husband, not some lawyer with an assistant and a maid. It should be us."   
Mickey looked at him, he swallowed hard and looked down, "You had your chance, Ian.", he said and pushed him away, "It's over. Besides, you storming in here unannounced and saying we should be together, doesn't erase our problems."

"Mickey, please, I beg you to not marry that man. We can run away together. You and I."   
"You, I, and the army, you mean. I can have a good life with Ryan, okay? I can have the life that I want. Not because of the money, the apartment and Blanca, because he has the same wishes I do."   
"If I quit the army, would you run away with me?"   
"What? No! Ian, I'm getting married in 20 days, everything is paid for, I want to get married to Ryan and I will. Now leave. Ian, just go!"

Mickey practically threw him out of the apartment and threw the door shut. He turned around and saw Blanca cleaning the floor. He knew she probably heard the majority of his conversation with Ian, since the kitchen didn't have a door and he screamed at Ian.

He went over to her and cleared his throat.   
"Blanca?"   
"Yes, Mr Milkovich."   
"If Ian comes by again, please don't let him in."   
"Of course Mr Milkovich"   
"Thanks... and... uhm, is it possible that Ryan doesn't hear about his visit? I don't want to cause more drama."   
"Sure, Mr Milkovich. Not my business."   
"Thank you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ian kept contacting him. He couldn't just give up like this. Mickey couldn't marry some other man. Mickey belonged with him!

He was supposed to be Ian's husband, his future. Ian sat at home at the kitchen table and tried to write a letter. He hit the table with the pencil in his hand like he was drumming on a drum kit.

Lip, who tried to feed his baby son, was annoyed with him.   
"What are you doing there?"   
"I'm trying to write a letter."   
"A letter? Is your phone broken?"   
"Mickey blocked my number. Whenever I go to his work place the other security guards throw me out and his maid won't open the door for me anymore."

"Mickey has a maid now?"   
"His fiancé does. Fucking north side lawyer. Mickey and he don't even match. He went to college and law school and Mickey went to juvie. And now they're just getting married'? I can't let that happen!"

"Why not? It's been three years, dude. Don't you think Mickey has the right to live his own life?"   
"Not if I know that he will be miserable", Ian growled.   
"And how do you know that?"   
"Because he belongs with me! Not some stuck up rich lawyer with a maid."

"I don't see how you're in the position to decide that. You're his ex-boyfriend, and honestly, you're acting like a very crazy and obsessed ex-boyfriend right now. I don't know that much about gays in relationships, but I think if he blocks your number and any other form of communication, maybe he doesn't want to talk to you, ever."

Ian shook his head, "He loves me."   
"He rejected your proposal and broke up with you five years ago. Wake up. He doesn't love you anymore."   
"He does. He didn't break up with me because he didn't love me anymore. He broke up because he wouldn't marry a soldier and I wanted to become a soldier. Well, been there, done that, I would much rather be married to Mickey than stay in the army for one more day."

Lip looked at him, "Hey, I'm all pro quitting the army. But you worked your ass off to be where you are, you just gonna throw that away for a man who is getting married to someone else in a few days? Can't you just find a new boyfriend, like he did?"   
"No", Ian shook his head, "It's him. I'm supposed to be with him."   
"All good and well, doesn't change he's getting married to someone else in a few days."

Ian shook his head, "Not if I can stop him. He loves me more than he loves that lawyer, I know that. He just wants him because he's an enabler for the life and kids he wants."   
"In other words - he wants to marry him because he can have the life, he wants to have with him. Yeah, man, you should rescue him form that fatal mistake", Lip shook his head, "Leave the guy alone, before his lawyer husband-to-be is putting you in front of a judge for harassment."

Ian sighed and crumbled the paper in his hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ian only had a couple of days left until the wedding. Mickey was about to do the biggest mistake of his life, Ian couldn't let him do it. He didn't care if he looked crazy, he knew Mickey would be happier with him.

Ian didn't really "stalk" Mickey. He just waited outside his apartment and sometimes followed him if he left the house to a time he wasn't scheduled to be at work.

He eventually followed him to a house one day. It was a nice house in a suburban area, it had a wooden front porch and a big back yard. Mickey stayed in his car a few minutes, before getting out and going up the house, he got out some keys and opened the front door. When he was inside, Ian got out as well and walked up to the door. He knocked and Mickey, who probably waited for someone else, opened.

"Ian? The fuck are you doing here?", Mickey asked and wanted to throw the door shut again, but Ian stopped it from closing and followed Mickey into the house. It looked even nicer from the inside. The small entrance hall they were standing in was bigger than Ian's kitchen at home.

"Ian, you can't be here. How did you even find this place - did you fucking follow me?"   
"Yes... did you get my letter?"   
Mickey sighed, he had found a letter with his name on it in the mail a week ago, "I didn't read it"   
"Oh, well, you should read it", Ian said and looked around, he noticed some photos on a wall, "Whose house is this?"   
"Ryan's brother's house. He and his wife are moving to the west coast and Ryan and I will maybe buy the house from them. You can't follow me and come here, Ian. You have to stop with this shit."

Ian looked at him, "And you want this? A fucking two story house in the middle of a white upper class suburban neighbourhood in a good school district? Am I supposed to believe that?"

"I don't give a fuck about what you believe, Gallagher. Go home. What do you want from me?"   
"I want you to come with me, Mickey. Leave him and be together with me again, I love you."   
Mickey scoffed, "Your audacity really is something else. I'm getting married this Saturday, Ian. I will marry Ryan, accept it."

"How am I supposed to accept that? I know you don't really want him, you want me!"   
"How could you know what I want better than I do myself? What's gotten into you? I want Ryan. I wanted you and you blew it, live with it.", Mickey said and turned around to go into the next room, Ian followed him.

"You want me more. You always wanted a life and a future with me. You said it so often, Mickey."   
"Three years ago."   
"I think you still want it. You don't want this kind of life, you don't want to be another trophy wife, Mickey, I know you", Ian pleaded, "Look around, this isn't you. This house, this man, it's not Mickey Milkovich."

Mickey turned around to him again.   
"Maybe I don't want to be that guy anymore. Maybe I want to be someone who lives in this neighbourhood, in this house, with a lawyer husband and three children. Maybe I don't want to stay the guy I was with 18 for all my life. Look at me, I'm not your Southside trash thug anymore who gets beaten up by his dad for coming out. I don't want to be that kind of guy anymore. I don't want to be surrounded by drugs and beat people up for no reason my whole life. I'm not my dad. How can you say that this isn't me, if you don't even know me anymore?"

"I know you", Ian insisted, "I know you better than anyone else. I know you better than that Ryan. You don't want to be someone's trophy wife the same way you didn't want to be another army wife. You want to get married to the love of your life and you want to adopt three cute kiddies to rescue them from foster care and you want to do all the parent things our parents never did with us."

Mickey couldn't look at him. Ian was right... he did still know him pretty well, he knew the things Mickey never explicitly said to him.

"You want me, Mickey. Because you love me. You're the love of my life and I'm yours. Ryan is just a replacement, you couldn't be as happy with him as you once were with me."  
Mickey looked up at him.

"You know what I want? I want _security_ , Ian. I want security in a relationship. I want to wake up knowing my husband will be there and not in some desert, dying. I want security in knowing he will come home alive and well every day, I don't want to just hope that in good faith while sleeping in a cold bed alone. I want someone I know will never let me down, I know he wants the same things I want out of life. I want emotional security and, yes, also financial security. Ryan can give me all of those things. You couldn't give me any of those things."

Ian bit his bottom lip. Mickey went back to the entrance hall, "You should go now."   
Ian followed him, "I can give you security too, Mickey", he said and took his wrists into his hands, "Financial security, a house, trust. I won't ever let you down again. I even leave the army if you ask me to, just please, don't marry him."

Mickey pulled his wrists out of Ian's grasp.   
"I don't want to have to ask you that!", he yelled and stepped back from him, looking at him longingly and hurt by thinking about their time together, "I don't want a relationship build on a compromise, Ian. That's why I broke up with you, how can you still not understand this? I don't want to come second all my life after a damn job! But that's how it would be with you, that's how it always was with you! First army, second family, third Mickey. Maybe I became second eventually, but it's not enough Ian. You've always been my first thought. I always did everything you asked of me, I asked you before deciding anything. Your first thought was never on me, it was always on the army. And that's fine, it's all right, but I couldn't live like that, so I broke up with you. And now you just want to swoop in and stop me from doing the right thing, which is marrying a man who puts me first, while you didn't change at all? Ryan treats me well, okay? He's the first person ever, who puts me first. You don't. You're not here because you think I'm doing a mistake for my life, you're here because your concerned about your own future life, not mine!"

"I would do anything for you, too, Mick. Anything."   
Mickey scoffed, "Oh, please. What did you ever do for me, Ian? I came out for you, I got beat up by my dad for you, I got shot because of you. And those are just the big things. I kept our apartment clean, I cooked for you, I tried to always make everything right, like a little damn housewife. And you? You forced me to come out, you dragged me to parties and official whatever's with your army fucks and then left me standing alone in a corner. You didn't give a fuck about my concerns about you going to the army. You never did anything for me that went against your own interests. And I grew tired of always just giving and giving and then having to beg you to quit your dreams. I couldn't live like that. Understand that."

"Don't you get how fucked this it, Mick? You love me, listen to yourself, you would marry me if I didn't go to the army, we both know that. You just want to marry that dude because he's home by dinner time."

"And?", Mickey looked him in the eyes, "What's bad about that? What's bad about coming home to your family every night? Why is that worth so much less than running through a desert and killing innocents?"

"It's bad that it's the only reason you're marrying him!"   
"It's not the only reason!", Mickey said angrily, and he looked so disappointed in him because he just wouldn't understand it.

"I'm getting married to him because he's giving me security. Because he wants to be married to me. Because he and I want the same kind of wedding. We want the same number of children. We have the same views about parenting and relationships. Because he can provide this house and provide for the family we want. Because he will be there when I need him or the kids, we'll have, need him. Because I can rely on him and because we want the same things out of life. That's more than what connected you and I."

Ian looked at him, he lowered his head and let Mickey's words go through his head, then he looked up again and smiled.   
"You don't really want Ryan."   
Mickey scoffed, he was done with this, "Why would you still think that?"   
Ian smiled wider, "Because none of your reasons to marry him, is that you love him. You like what he stands for, what he can do for you. You don't love Ryan as a person, not like you loved me. Otherwise love would have been the first thing you said."

Mickey swallowed hard, he didn't know what to answer to this.

The front door opened, both men turned around to the door, Ryan came in and looked at them confused for a second until he recognised Ian.

"Oh, you're Mandy's friend from High School... Ian, right? We met at the florist."   
Ian nodded. Ryan smiled, went over to Mickey, put and Arm around him and kissed him.   
"So, what brings you here, you want to outbid us for the house?", Ryan joked.   
"Ian was just about to leave, weren't you?", Mickey said to him coldly.

Ian looked from Mickey to Ryan and smiled, "Right. Just wanted to say hello. So, Saturday is the big day, right?"   
"Yes", Ryan grinned, "Saturday in the Bellemont hotel, by evening this man will finally be mine", he looked down at Mickey lovingly and kissed him again.

'We'll see about that' Ian thought and clenched his fist.

"Well, I should go. See you around.", Ian said, smiled at Mickey again, who looked away from him and instead buried his face in Ryan's jacket, and left the house.

Now he at least knew where they would get married.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was Mickeys bachelor party. His sister dragged him into a strip club for gay men. Mickey felt awkward in here, weirdly out of place. His cousin looked rather bored the whole time, but Mickey made it to share a few laughs with her.

Sandy was just laughing about something Mickey said, when she seemed to notice someone and stopped laughing suddenly.

"What?", Mickey asked confused and turned around. Of course, Ian.

Mickey sighed and walked up to him.   
"This is getting out of hand. Stop following me."   
"I just need to talk to you"   
"I don't want to talk, okay? I'm getting married tomorrow."

"Did you read my letter?", Ian asked desperately.   
"No", Mickey shrugged   
"Mickey, you have to read my letter. You owe us this much. Read the letter before you say I do tomorrow, okay?"   
"Why? What's in that letter that's so fucking important"

Ian bit his bottom lip and swallowed, "Just read it. And know that it's done."   
"What is done?", Mickey asked confused.   
"What I said I would do in the letter, it's done. And... if you do change your mind about marrying Ryan, I will be waiting by our high school bleachers tomorrow.", he looked at him longingly and raised his hand to touch Mickeys cheek softly. He gave him an insecure smile and then left the club again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey was just minutes away from getting married to Ryan. He sat in a separate room and turned the letter in his hand. It was in a white envelope with just Mickeys name on it.

Someone knocked on the door and without hesitation Sandy came in.   
"So, thirty minutes", she said and sat down next to him, Mickey nodded and pulled on the sleeves of his white suit.

"Sandy... do you think I'm making a mistake by marrying Ryan?"   
Sandy looked at him surprised.   
"It's a little late for that. Come on, that dude is buying you a big ass house away from the south side."

"Yeah... but what if I don't want the house? What If I don't want... this."   
Sandy was genuinely confused now, "The hell are you talking about? You always wanted a wedding and kids."

"Yes, and I still want that. I want a husband, I want to be a husband and a father. But with Ryan... I saw that neighbourhood, okay? A bunch of rich dudes and their trophy wives. They go to work every day and probably bang the assistant while the wives stay at home, take care of the kids and apart from that their whole life is about who has the biggest pool and how you get the perfect tan. The nurseries in that house are painted pink and blue. I don't want to be a trophy wife. I don't want to be like that... everything is so fucking straight. I just think I've got beaten up for being gay too often to conform to heteronormativity like this, you know?"

Sandy sighed, "but how is that different from Ian? He was the guy who was all about his job while you wanted a husband and kids. Aren't those the same gender roles?"

"Maybe", Mickey shrugged, "But Ian never made me feel like that, you know? He never made it feel like I was the woman in the relationship regardless of my wishes. It's never been about that with him... yesterday Ryan said, after the wedding I could quit my job so I can fully concentrate on being husband and father.", he shook his head, "Even this wedding. I'm wearing white, I'm walking down the aisle."

"You wanted this wedding. You planned out every detail."   
"Yes, but I didn't plan to feel so out of place at it. I didn't plan to be forced into the role of the woman in this relationship suddenly."

Sandy bot her bottom lip and ran her hand through her hair, she looked at the envelope in Mickeys hands.   
"What's that?"

"A letter from Ian. It was in the mail two weeks ago. I couldn't bring myself to throw it away, so I hid it."   
"Did you read it?"   
Mickey shook his head, "yesterday when he turned up at the club he said, it's done. What he said he would do in the letter is done. I can't forget about that. I want to know what he meant but... I should just ignore him and marry Ryan, right?"

"You should read the letter", Sandy said, "Maybe he quit the army for you."   
"That's the thing, he can't just quit the army like quitting waiting in a diner. You don't like it there and aren't in the mood to risk your ass for a shitty president? Well, sucks to be you, you gotta stay. I asked him to quit before he went to basic training. Because I knew once he started it would be over. I knew that he wanted it more than anything else, more than he wanted me, because the army came first. So, I broke up with him so he could do that without me pressuring him to quit. I didn't want to force him to do that. And whatever it is that is 'done' I'm sure I didn't want him to do that either."

"Read the letter", Sandy nodded, "otherwise you will regret marrying Ryan without reading it first."

Mickey looked at the envelope, at Ian's unclean handwriting. Sandy was as impatient as the typical Milkovich, so she took the envelope out of her cousins hand, opened it, and gave the letter to him.

 _Mickey_  
 _I wanted to write a letter to ask you to run away with me and leave your boyfriend for me, again. But I know it's no use like this._  
It's been _3_ years and you don't know how my life is right now, if I changed at all, if I'm willing to sacrifice things for you now the way you sacrificed things for me.   
_I know you broke up with me, so I didn't have to sacrifice them._

_After you left, I eventually started basic training, then I signed a 4 year contract and eventually had my first tour._   
_By the end of it I started to feel restless, jittery, I did some shit, became unreliable and was problematic. But nothing serious happened. I got home to my siblings and it got worse. I broke a car, jerked of a random dude behind a supermarket while his baby sat in a stroller facing away from us, I started a hundred projects around the house and left everything messy._

_Then I got depressed. Everything felt worthless and meaningless. Me, my life, everything._

_I always thought this behaviour came from missing you. I missed you so much. Every day. I started hating the army. Without you it was just dull and meaningless. It was just running around in the dirt and being screamed at and insulted. It was running around in a hot desert with weapons, just waiting. Waiting for something to happen, waiting for someone to get injured, waiting for someone to die._

_All the time I though "I lost the man I love ... for this?"_

_Everything just seemed pointless. While being away it was like I had nothing to come home to. Who was waiting for me back home just wanting me back? It wasn't you anymore and that made it pointless._

_All the other guys were always talking about their girlfriends and wives back home. About their "sweethearts" how they called them. They asked me if I had a sweetheart back home waiting for me and I said - no, I lost mine to be here. And in that moment, I hated the army more than anything else._

_When my tour was over and I got back home, all the other guys were picked up by their sweethearts. I was picked up by no one. Lip was supposed to be there, but his baby was born on the same day so he didn't make it but forgot to tell someone else to pick me up. I just wanted to see you. I just wanted to apologise to you and kiss you and hold you again. But I didn't know where you were._

_My point is, without you by my side, the army is just a stupid job, my house is just a house, my family are just people. You were who gave meaning to all of it, who made me feel loved and at home. Without you everything is just dull and depressing._

_To get back to the craziness and the depression I experienced when I came back - my siblings think I have bipolar disorder. Like my mother._

_I want to deny it, but... I think they're right. I wanted to hide it from my officials, but I couldn't go back on a tour with a disorder like this - which is good because I don't want to._

_I just want you back. I would just quit the army if I could, I would marry you, adopt children with you and have that kind of life, I would give anything to have you back. You are more important than a job. You're the most important person in my life, always were._

_I will go to a shrink right after I dropped this letter off. I don't know how long they need for a diagnosis, but if I'm bipolar I'll get a psychological discharge from the military._

_I know being mentally ill isn't perfect either and probably not what you want in a husband. But I promise, to always take my medication and to do what I can to make you happy for the rest of my life._

_Even if I'm not bipolar, I will do what I can to get out of the military as soon as possible, for you. And I won't ever hate you for it or resent you, because I hate the military and I just want you back. This is_ _ my _ _decision. And my new dream and my biggest wish is to be with you again and have the life and future you always talked about for us._

_Maybe I can't give you a pretty apartment with a maid, but I love you more than Ryan Willows ever could, and I think you know that too. Maybe you would be happy with him, but not as happy as you could be with me._

_I love you,_   
_Your Ian._

It seemed like Ian had put a bit more pressure on the pen when he wrote "your" at the end of the letter.

Mickey stared at the writing and then got up from his seat.   
"Mick?", Sandy asked, "Where are you going, you're getting married in like 10 minutes."

"I have to go", Mickey just said and turned around to Sandy, "Tell Ryan, I'm sorry, okay?", then he left the room and stormed out of the hotel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ian stood underneath the bleachers and waited.   
He looked at his phone to check the time. About now Mickey and Ryan stood in front of their friends and families ready to say "I do"

Mickey wouldn't come.   
Ian wondered, if he had read the letter by now. He had written it before the day they talked at the house. And a bipolar man really couldn't give a lot _security_ and _stability_ , right?

Maybe Ian had made it even worse with the letter. Maybe Mickey read it, read about the disorder and now was willing to marry Ryan even more than before.

"Hey", someone said suddenly, and Ian looked up surprised.

There stood Mickey, a few meters away from him, in a white tux, he was holing a paper in his hand.   
"Mickey", Ian smiled and walked the few steps up to him, "Aren't you supposed to get married right now?"   
Mickey smiled and looked at the letter, "Yeah, I must be crazy, right? I just left a lawyer who was willing to buy a house for me for a jobless ginger with bipolar disorder."

Ian bit his lip and Mickey looked up at him, "So you really have that, huh?"   
Ian nodded, "Yeah, I know it doesn't really sound like I could give you a more stable life now then when I was in the army."

"I don't care", Mickey said quickly, he looked into his eyes and cupped his cheeks, "I don't care about a disorder. You said, there are meds for that, right? I will help you with whatever you need, Ian. As long as I know that you will come home to me every night."

Ian smiled at him, "So, you choose me, right?"   
"I'm standing here in a wedding tux and left a lawyer at the altar. Yes, you win."   
"Do you regret it already?"

Mickey shrugged lightly and then leaned up to Ian to kiss him. Ian wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him closer. He didn't want anything more than kissing this man again for the past 3 years.

Mickey ended the kiss and leaned back, he started grinning, "I don't regret it."   
Ian chuckled and kissed him again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two days later

Ian drove up to Ryan's apartment complex. Mickey sat next to him in the car and sighed.   
"Do you want me to come with you?"   
"No, I'll just get my stuff. If he's not there I'll leave the letter. He's not dangerous or something, I got this on my own."

Ian nodded, "Okay, text me if you need help though, yeah?"   
Mickey smiled and pecked his lips.

He quickly made his way up to Ryan's apartment and unlocked the door. He hoped Ryan wouldn't be home. He had left the man at the altar, well, at the hotel, while their families, friends and colleagues were all waiting. He didn't need the direct confrontation.

He went to the bedroom with his duffle bag and started to pack his things. He didn't need very long for it, he just threw his clothes into his bag. A lot of stuff was already packed in a suitcase that was meant for Ryan and his honeymoon. He took the suitcase, his duffle bag, made sure he got everything from the bathroom and then went to the living room at the other side of the apartment.

He meant to put the engagement ring and the apology letter on the coffee table, but when he walked in, he noticed a figure sitting on the couch.

"Ryan?", Mickey asked. Well, shit.   
Ryan looked at him, he was unshaved, he looked tired.   
"Hey, Mickey. I was wondering when you would come to get your things."

Mickey swallowed hard, "I didn't think you would be here."   
"Where am I supposed to be? At our honeymoon, which is already paid for?"

Mickey bit his bottom lip, he let his bag and suitcase stand and went to sit down in a armchair by the couch.

"I'm sorry, Ryan. I know that doesn't help, but I'm really fucking sorry. You didn't deserve that."

"If I didn't deserve it, why did you leave me?"   
Mickey sighed, "You remember Ian, Mandy's old high school friend?"   
Ryan groaned, "I knew it. You had an affair with him, I should have known when he was at the house."

"I didn't have an affair with him. I'm an asshole for leaving you at the wedding, but I'm not that kind of asshole. Ian is my ex-boyfriend. I told you about him, you remember? The guy whose job was more important to him than me?"

"You're back with him? So, I guess he quit."   
Mickey nodded, "He...", he sighed, "I know it doesn't make my behaviour towards you right, but he loves me, and I love him. I loved you too, please don't think I just acted the whole time, I loved you... but I love him more. He was the man who made me want marriage and kids, before him I didn't want that. I'm sure I wouldn't have regretted marrying you, you know? I'm sure you would have been a great husband, because you were a great boyfriend, but... I can't help it. I love him more. So, if it's any consolation to you, I probably made a big mistake and probably will suffer from it eventually."

"Do you really think you will?", Ryan asked him confused, "Why did you go back to him then?"   
Mickey shrugged, "Because I know that it would be worth it, Ian's not easy, his family is a nightmare, but it's where I belong. I don't belong in this high society neighbourhood with the big house and the trophy wives. I belong with Ian in some old house in the south side, and we'll make it too."

Mickey got Ryan's engagement ring out of his pocket and put it one the coffee table.   
"I'm sure you're gonna find someone who belongs here with you. And I will try to pay you back the wedding expense's, but Ian and I are pretty broke."   
Ryan shrugged, "Don't worry about it, my dad paid for the wedding anyways, and he had said it's not gonna happen the whole time, he's in a way too good mood about the wedding being cancelled to ask the money back from you."

Mickey got up, "I'm sorry", he said again, "I really am."

Mickey left the apartment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later in the Gallagher house, Mickey sat on Ian's bed. He preferred Ian as company in his bed, but he wished he had Ryan's bed here though.

Ian came into the small room, which had about the size of Ryan's bathroom.   
"You look sad since you were at Ryan's... do you regret it?"   
Mickey looked up at him, "No. You can stop asking that, Gallagher. I don't regret choosing you, but I lowkey miss the nice apartment."

Ian smiled and sat down next to Mickey on the bed, "Once I found another job, we can look for a new apartment."   
"Don't you get retirement pay from the Army for the medical discharge?"   
"Probably, but that isn't official yet, I already got the notice that I'm about to be discharged because they confirmed the disorder, but it isn't through the paper stuff yet."   
Mickey nodded, "I'm gonna have to look for a new job too. I don't want to see Ryan every day... or his colleagues. They were all invited to the wedding."

Ian kissed his cheek, "So, fill me in, how many kids will we have?"   
"Two or three", Mickey said and smiled at him, "Depending on how we handle the first two."   
Ian grinned at him, "And comes our wedding before or after we adopted the children?"   
"Before. But you didn't propose to me yet, so, all hypothetical."

"Why do I have to propose again? I already proposed once, you owe me one."   
"I left my fiancé at the alter for you, so you have to propose to me. That are the rules."   
"Says who?"   
"The association for proposals and weddings, look it up.", Mickey smirked.

Ian rolled his eyes and kissed him.   
"Wait here", he said and got up from the bed. Mickey looked after him confused, while Ian went to the hallway and climbed up to the attic. Mickey hadn't even been aware of the fact that the Gallagher had an attic in this house.

Ian came back with a small moving box, that had "Mickey" written on it with black marker.

Ian put it on the bed and opened it.   
"What is that?", Mickey asked.   
"Things you left at the apartment back then when you moved out. Shirts, underwear which was in the laundry, pictures, mail that still landed at my place, all that stuff.", he said and rummaged through the box until he pulled another small box out, "And this"

Mickey smiled at the ring box.   
Ian pulled him from the bed, so Mickey stood in front of him when he went down on one knee.

"Mickey Milkovich, after losing you that once I won't let you leave ever again. I promise I will always put you first and do my best to give you stability in live. I love you and I want to be married to you, so will you marry me this time? If you say no again, I'm gonna jump from the roof."

"Hmm, now I almost want to say no just to see if you would actually do that", Mickey said   
"Mick!", Ian complained but chuckled.   
"All right, yes, I'll marry you, of course I'll fucking marry you."

Ian got back up from the ground and kissed him.   
"I love you"   
"I know. I love you too."


End file.
